


I Can't Believe It's Gluten Free

by theSinTin



Series: Terrible Customers [3]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: A mishap happens involving the toilet, Accidental Voyeurism, Anal Sex, Bad Customer Etiquette, Bathroom Sex, Crack, Gluten Free Food, M/M, Mention of vomitting, seriously these two
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-06
Updated: 2018-01-06
Packaged: 2019-02-28 23:21:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13282035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theSinTin/pseuds/theSinTin
Summary: Continuing their trend of having sex in inappropriate places, Kylo Ren and General Hux head back to Earth to enjoy dinner at a gluten free pizzeria.





	I Can't Believe It's Gluten Free

**Author's Note:**

> I've actually had this sitting in my finished works folder since May. I wanted to finish JoAnns au first but whatever lol you don't really have to read these in order anyway.
> 
> Enjoy?

Hux was standing on the bridge as per usual for this time of the day. Shifts were about to switch over; it was obvious that everyone just trying to get to the end of their day. Hux, however, was having a rather nice day. It was quiet, efficient, and without headaches. Maybe for once, he would get through the day without-

His phone was buzzing in his pocket. 

Well, he almost got away without issue.

“This is Hux,” he answered, holding the phone to his ear. Hux didn’t know why he bothered answering that way, he knew only three people had his personal phone number. Snoke, for when Hux needed to contact him. Phasma, for their late night drinking sessions. And…

“Hux,” answered Ren on the other end. Hux pulled the phone away from his ear as he was basically bitten with static from Ren’s end. 

“I wish you’d remove your helmet before calling me,” Hux commented. He knew he should leave the bridge to answer this particular call, so as to not disturb anyone. But everyone on the bridge already knew who typically would call him around this time of day anyway. Seemed an extra effort for little reward. He stayed put.

Hux could hear some shuffling around on Ren’s end of the phone, before he heard his unmuffled voice. “Hux, I’m hungry,” there was a pause, “and horny.”

Not this again. “Our shift ends in twenty standard minutes, Ren,” Hux huffed. “You can eat in the mess hall as soon as it’s your turn-”

“Hux, you know the food here isn’t even fit for the stormtroopers to eat,” Ren whined, “Come on, do you want to go somewhere with me? I found a restaurant I really want to try out.”

“I have other matters I have to attend to, Ren,” Hux actually didn’t have anything else planned today. He just typically knew what adventures off of the _Finalizer_ were like when it came to Kylo Ren.

“Please?” Ren whined, sounding like a child now.

“No.”

“Please.”

“No.”

“Pleeeease.”

“No Ren,” Hux raised his voice slightly. “I still have twenty minutes to the end of the shift, you may call me after if you still wish to continue this childish game. Goodbye.” 

Hux pressed the end call button on his phone just as he heard Ren start a very likely inane rebuttal. He had work to do: a whole lot of nothing and standing in one place for the next twenty minutes. Ren didn’t need to disturb him.

Hux had some peace and quiet for the next _fifteen_ minutes, and he almost thought that Ren was actually going to take an order for once. That was Hux’s hope, at least, until he heard a very familiar bell chime coming from just outside of the bridge. 

Hux didn’t even turn around, he wasn’t going to watch this again. Ren was going to ride onto the bridge on his too small Darth Vader scooter that he purchased months ago from Target, he was going to push himself on the scooter until he turned and was in front of Hux, and then he was going to open his mouth and nonsense was going to fall out. 

And all of that happened. He rolled in, pushed the scooter across the bridge, turned and now stood in front of Hux. His hands reached up to remove his ungodly helmet, rang the bell on the scooter handle bar once, and then tried to whisper quietly (but failed), “Hux, I’m horny and hungry.” He was looking at Hux with complete seriousness.

Hux stared at Ren with an unfazed expression on his face, turning slightly to the crew members and seeing them quickly look away. Everyone here knew this ritual just as much as Hux did, and all knew better than to speak up regarding it. Those who did try to speak up didn’t last very long. 

Hux looked back to Ren, taking a deep breath before exhaling it. He looked Ren in the eyes. Ren’s overly expressive, big, sad brown eyes. Ren was even pushing his lower lip out a bit, and it was clear he had successfully figured out how to weaken Hux’s walls. Stupid manchild…

“Which are you more right now?” Hux asked, trying to not make it obvious he was agreeing to anything.

Ren raised a finger to his lips in thought. “Hungry,” he answered after a pause.

“Do we _really_ have to leave the _Finalizer_ for a single meal?” Hux asked, hopeful to sway Ren into something involving less travel.

“Yes,” Ren whined. Actually whined in front of the entire crew. How did anyone on this ship still take him seriously? “Come on, the place I want to go is healthy. You like healthy crap, please?”

Hux didn’t stop himself from obviously rolling his eyes in front of Ren. “Fine, we leave in fifteen standard minutes. We will spend no more than an hour at the restaurant, including wait times. We will not be engaging in any other activities or detours while planetside. We will return to the ship in a timely manner and that’s it, got it?” 

“Yes!” Ren smiled, getting back on his scooter and putting the helmet back on. It locked into place with a hiss, and Ren nodded to the crew before scootering off the bridge and down the hallway out of sight. 

Hux sighed, turning to look at the crew who all quickly looked away from him again. He hoped, absolutely _hoped,_ that this was going to actually be a quick dinner run with Ren. He knew it wouldn’t be but he still hoped…

\-------------------------

“Earth again?” Hux asked, sitting in his familiar chair on Ren’s shuttle and gazing out the viewport. He had been on this miserable planet way too many times in the last few months.

“What’s wrong with Earth?” Ren asked. “They got cool things here, like Targets and Walmarts. Speaking of which I could use some-”

“No stops, just food and we leave,” Hux hissed. He wasn’t even going to let Ren consider stopping anywhere else. 

Ren huffed, crossing his arms in his own seat. He looked like a pouting child, as usual, dressed in all black and sticking out his bottom lip. No helmet, Hux was never sure why the man demanded that he wore it around the ship but would never wear it on their adventures off ship to Earth. 

Ren stood, walking over to the poor pilot. The same pilot Ren regularly terrorized on their trips to Earth, and Hux wasn’t sure why the man hadn’t quit yet. “How much longer?” Ren asked the pilot, trying to sound intimidating. 

“About five minutes sir,” the pilot replied in a shaky voice. 

Ren huffed in response, sitting back down and looking to Hux. Hux looked back at him, only to see Ren giving him bedroom eyes. Oh no… “We’re not having sex on this outing.” Hux told him firmly.

“I thought that was kind of our thing, Hux.” Ren replied. “You know, we go to Earth, we find a bathroom, we have sex and we leave,” Ren shrugged. “I thought that was why you always agreed to go to these with me.”

“I agree to go to these to make sure you don’t blow your money on useless things and keep you out of trouble.” Hux tried to defend himself. “Earth is very pro-First Order as of right now, I rather keep them on our side even if the inhabitants aren’t the brightest…”

“Okay but the sex is good right?” Ren asked, sounding hopeful.

“Oh yes, Ren. I love it when we find dingey bathrooms to have intercourse in. It’s the highlights of my week.” Hux replied with heavy sarcasm.

“Okay, so then why can’t we do it again?” Ren apparently missed the sarcasm. Of course.

“One hour at the restaurant, Ren.” Hux reminded him. “If we manage to complete the food portion of the outing before an hour hits, I will consider sex. But only if you’re on your best behavior.”

“Awesome,” Ren smiled, getting up again to visit the pilot. “How about now?” He asked the suffering man, who looked exasperated. 

“Trying to find the parking spot, sir.” He replied. 

“Do you need me to make a spot?” Ren asked, drawing his lightsaber.

“Need I remind you about trying to keep this planet on our side?” Hux asked, standing and moving to look out the viewport. “Pilot, just drop us off at the front. We’ll com you when we’re done.”

The pilot nodded, while Ren huffed and clipped the lightsaber back to his belt. “You’re never any fun, Hux.” 

“I’m aware.”

\-----

“Welcome to Becca’s Pizzeria, table for two?” The hostess asked them as they entered the front doors. After answering in the affirmative, they were lead to a booth seat in the corner. The hostess took their drink orders, coca cola for Ren and iced tea for Hux, before handing them menus and disappearing in the back. Hux examined the menu, noticing the front. The words “Gluten Free” were stated several times around the products.

“Is this a gluten free restaurant?” Hux asked unnecessarily: as he did, he started to notice the words “Gluten free” under all the logos for Becca’s pizzeria that were hung around the dining area.

“Um, yes?” Ren answered. “I said it was a healthy restaurant, Hux.”

“Gluten free doesn’t automatically make it healthy, though.” Hux pointed out.

“Yes it does,” Ren replied. “Han called me up last week and-”

“Han, your father?” Hux asked. “The man you hate, called you…?”

“Um, yeah Hux. He’s still my dad even if I hate him.” Ren replied, looking at Hux as if he was stupid. Hux was going to reply, but gave up. “Anyway, he called me and told me about this book, called ‘Wheat Belly’ I think? Anyway this book says that gluten is evil and that we should all eat gluten free. Han told me I should try this place, I wanted to go with him and Leia but she thinks that the book’s stupid so I figured it’d be easier to go with you.”

“Ren, maybe we should discuss instead how you had wanted to go on a dinner outing with General Leia Organa of the Resistance, the enemy of the First Order. The First Order being me and my damn crew.” Hux stated as if it should be quite obvious.

“Hey man, they’re family still.” Ren shrugged. “Either way, I want to give the food a shot, and it should be healthy too so you’ll like it!”

Hux looked down to the menu, seeing large plates of pasta and disgustingly overtopped pizza as the main highlights of the menu. On the dessert part of the menu, elephant ears and cinnamon sticks coated in icing were featured. Hux had a severe doubt any of this could be remotely thought of as ‘healthy’. But they were here, and the waitress was returning with their drinks.

“So what brings you two to the restaurant tonight?” Greeted the waitress as she set their drinks down in front of them. 

“We’re on a date!” Ren smiled at Hux.

“No, we’re not.” Hux corrected. “We’re just two colleagues having an after work lunch together.”

The waitress looked confused, before deciding to not try and ask them any more questions like that. A smart choice. “What would you guys like tonight? Appetizers to start?” 

Hux looked at the menu again, not seeing anything he particularly wanted. Oh well maybe the soup… “I’ll take the soup of the day,” Hux answered, looking to Ren.

“I’ll get chicken fingers and fries for an appetizer, and a ten inch pizza of half pepperoni and half cheese. And a plate of chicken alfredo pasta on the side.” Ren answered. “You okay with the pizza?” Ren asked Hux, who nodded in agreement. 

Hux would probably only eat one slice but hopefully Ren planned on paying since Ren thought this was a date, which it kind of was but to be frank he really wasn’t sure what his relationship with Ren even was anymore.

The waitress wrote down their order and took their menus away, disappearing into the back. Hux looked around the building and was actually surprised by the amount of people in the dining room. He didn’t think gluten free was that popular, but maybe that book Ren spoke of had something to do with it…

The food didn’t take long at all to come out, Hux getting his soup and Ren his chicken fingers and fries. Without asking, Hux reached over and grabbed a chicken finger, dipping it into the ranch provided and bit into it. He was taken back by the odd texture of the bread coating, but the flavor wasn’t too bad. And then the dryness hit him.

“It’s really dry,” Hux commented, having the decency to at least finish eating the one he selected. 

“Han said gluten free is usually really dry, and crumbly.” Ren shrugged. “I don’t mind it.”

“It’s not terrible at least,” Hux commented after he finished it. He moved on to the soup, it was a broccoli cream soup of some sort. He took a sip of it after blowing on it, and the flavor was surprisingly very good. He was blowing on another spoonful when he glanced up at Ren, seeing that look. The look that Hux knew unfortunately well. “You’ve managed to make me eating soup weird.” 

“Sorry,” Ren mumbled in response. Hux knew he wasn’t sorry. “Do you want to try the fries?” Ren asked, shoving a fry towards Hux without waiting for a response.

Hux took it and again dipped it in the ranch dressing provided. He realized then that the ranch dressing was just the Hidden Valley ranch dressing commonly sold across the galaxy, only further proving Hux’s point that this meal was far from healthy. Regardless, the food wasn’t bad. “Acceptable.”

Ren nodded. They mostly finished their appetizers in peace, besides the near constant bedroom eyes and playing footsies under the table from Ren. 

When their pizza came, Hux immediately made his comments once the waitress walked away. “Is this cooked on a sheet of cardboard?” Hux asked, picking up a limp slice of the cheese half to investigate. The crust was far from appetizing.

“Gluten free crusts tend to be really flat,” Ren shrugged. “Just give it a go before you judge.”

Hux rolled his eyes, but accepted his fate and bit into the cardboard crusted pizza. It was good, not fantastic like normal Earth pizza, but it was good in its own regards, all things considered. “Acceptable,” Hux mumbled again and finished his slice.

Time went on, a rare, peaceful meal with Ren. Though, Hux noticed, Ren almost seemed to be rushing through his food. At first Hux didn’t mind, actually seemed to appreciate it. But then he recalled what he said on the shuttle, checking his phone for the time. They had about twenty minutes until the promised hour was over. Hux mentally groaned, Ren was trying to make his time limit.

Amazingly, Ren had finished most of his food in record time. All that was left was the cheese pizza slices that Hux had only taken one from. They had about fifteen minutes left. Ren was staring at him with a big goofy grin on his face. Hux scrunched his nose in disdain, but he did agree. “Pay for the meal and meet me in the bathroom in two minutes.” Hux told him casually, standing up and making his way to where the indicated bathroom sign was. This was happening. He couldn’t believe he was about to do this with Ren, on Earth, in a bathroom. Again.

Hux found the men’s restroom, and felt blessed that it was a single stall. He could only hope that none of the other patrons in the restaurant were going to need the stall any time soon. He pushed to unlock the door, finding it surprisingly heavy and had to push on it with his weight to get it to open for him. Upon turning on the light the ventilation fan also turned on, which was loud and obnoxious (he could only hope it was drown out the also obnoxious noises Ren would make). The room was spacious for their planned activities, the toilet was located against the wall and had the metal handicap bars located around it. The walls were a dull red and tiles on the ground were cream in color. 

Hux figured if he was going to do this, he was going all out. Hux’s hands went to undoing his belt as he examined the walls some more. The paper towel and soap dispensers were both automatic, but the sink was manual. As Hux dropped his pants just past his thighs, he made an odd note of the outlet that was half covered by the soap dispenser on the wall, not even enough room left to plug anything in. Hux rolled his eyes as he pulled the bottle of lube he had brought with him out of his pocket, because who was he kidding? He knew how this was going to end. Already warmed from his pocket, he squirted some onto his fingers and brought his fingers to his ass. Bracing himself against the wall opposite to the toilet, he started working on getting his first finger in and relaxing. 

It was a whole five minutes later that Ren appeared, knocking on the door of the bathroom in a rhyme matching the imperial march. Hux was thankfully already on three fingers when Ren appeared, at least they could make this quick then. Hux leaned over and unlocked the door, watching Ren struggle to get the door open for himself too. “Took you long enough,” Hux grumbled. 

“Sorry,” Ren apologized, again Hux knew he didn’t mean it. “I talked to the waitress for a few minutes about the food here. And ordered us dessert to go.” 

“How kind,” Hux deadpanned, still three fingers in his ass. With his other hand, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a condom before tossing it to Ren. “Hurry up, you only have ten minutes and that’s including clean up time.”

“Always in a rush,” Ren grumbled, but did as he was commanded. He took his time undoing his own pants and pushing them down enough to get his already hardened length out, because of course he was all too ready for this. “Maybe we should do this against this wall,” Ren indicated to the wall with the toilet. “So you could grab onto the handlebars when you need to.”

“As if I’ll need to,” Hux replied but moved as requested. He grabbed some toilet paper out of the dispenser to wipe his hand, before bracing himself against the wall again on his hands, back to Ren.

“Don’t you want to face me for this?” Ren asked, grabbing Hux’s hips and starting to kiss at his neck, and pressing his condom covered cock between Hux’s cheeks. “It’d be more romantic.”

“Because having sex in a bathroom is oh so romantic,” Hux rolled his eyes before turning around. His own hardened cock was up and proud for Ren, who at least had the decency to stroke it for him. “Any more complaints? Because you’re burning through your time here.”

Ren seemed to study Hux’s position, stroking the head of Hux’s cock while in thought. “Okay, I’m going to pick you up and-”

“Do not drop me this time,” Hux growled, recalling the pain from their last outing.

“I promise I won’t, just…” Ren grabbed under Hux’s legs and pulled him up, picking the thinner man up like he weighed nothing. Hux braced his weight against the wall with his back, hands falling to the wall behind him for more leverage. Ren was wrapping Hux’s legs around his own waist.

It seemed like a good position until Ren let go of a leg when Hux wasn’t ready. Feeling his weight off balance, Hux tried to drop that leg to prevent him from falling.

Which worked.

Until he heard the splash of the toilet water. And felt the water seeping through his pant leg and sock.

And Ren was there in his face, trying his best to not start laughing.

“You laugh and I’m cutting your dick off,” Hux growled, trying to shake the water off his leg miserably. It was only a matter of time that this would happen…

Ren seemed to do his absolute best, but some giggles still came out. He tried to distract by grabbing the wet leg and wrapping it around his waist again. He found his leverage then, pulling Hux back enough for him to line himself up with Hux’s entrance. “I’ll make it up to you,” Ren whispered as he leaned forward and started to kiss at Hux’s neck. 

“You better,” Hux hissed as Ren pushed in. His breathing caught, he would never be truly prepared for Ren’s stupidly large cock. What was always worse was the smirk that formed on Ren’s face every time Hux gasped, he needed to train him to stop doing that. Ren at least was wise enough to ease himself in slowly, milking the quiet gasps from Hux as much as he could. 

Once he was fully seated, Ren started to leave love bites on Hux’s neck. “You always fight this,” Ren whispered. “But I know you love it, I can sense it, so why fight it?”

“Maybe because you’re an imbecile and can’t seem to have sex with me in a bed.” Hux growled, leaning his head away, hands practically glued in place on the wall, or otherwise he’d smack Ren’s face. “No marks, even if everyone on the crew knows what we do, I rather not give them proof.”

“As you say, General.” Ren whispered, kissing the bite he just made. He took that moment to also slide himself out and roughly fuck himself in. Again, he managed to get a groan out of Hux, who was practically biting his tongue at this point to stop it. Ren seemed to have a death grip on Hux’s ass as he started to build a rhythm, managing to pull noises from the General on every push. 

Hux groaned loudly when Ren pulled his cheeks apart to push in further, gasping as he felt Ren slide against his prostate. His dick was smearing precome across Ren’s tunic, though Hux couldn’t really care much. He was too lost in the pleasure. 

Hux knew they were well past their time limit, but that didn’t stop him when he started to meet Ren’s thrusts, grinding his hips down with every thrust. Finally Hux was breaking Ren’s concentration, who started to grunt like an animal. Hux could tell he was getting close the more erratic his thrusts became, so Hux took the chance and moved his hand from the wall and started to stroke himself in time with Ren’s movement. Both of them were groaning, and Hux tried to give a shout of warning.

When it happened.

Ren hadn’t locked the door behind him.

“I’ll be back to the kitchen in a second,” said the voice who was pushing the door open with their weight. “Let me just-”

Both Ren and Hux turned their heads to see the intruder, who was staring both of them dead in the eyes.

To add to what was probably the worst horror of Hux’s life, the intruder was none other than Lieutenant Mitaka, dressed in the restaurant’s shirt and an apron.

Of course Hux’s body chose that moment to cum; he tried to stifle his groan as he caught his release in his hand. Of course Ren would follow shortly after, though of course the big idiot didn’t have the decency to quiet himself. 

Of course, _of course,_ Mitaka didn’t take the obvious hint to close the door and leave.

Hux didn’t even bother to catch his breath before he started to yell. “Mitaka, what are you doing here!”

“General Hux, Lord Ren!” He cried out in a panic, closing and thankfully locking the door behind him as he entered, though he turned away from them. “I, this. This is my second job, what are you-?”

“Why do you have a second job?” Ren asked as he started to set Hux back down on the ground, pulling himself out.

“ _That’s_ what you ask him?” Hux shouted. “Why didn’t you lock the door, Ren!” God, why did he let any of this happen!

“I thought it did automatically behind me…” Ren replied sheepishly, pulling his pants back on after tying off the condom and dumping it in the broken garbage can.

“I-I don’t make enough on the _Finalizer_ for my bills, sir.” Mitaka replied, still facing away from them. 

Hux groaned, what were the chances of this? Of any of this? Hux pulled up his own pants before washing his hand off in the sink. “Well, now you do Lieutenant, because you’re getting a fat raise to never speak of this again. Now out!”

Mitaka said nothing more as he grabbed for the door handle and proceeded to struggle to get it to open before leaving. Finally alone, he turned to Ren. “I’m going to kill you, Ren.”

“Please, it’s not a big deal. Mitaka would never-”

“ _Anyone_ could have walked in on us!” Hux hissed, adjusting his outfit in the mirror. “You may be an exhibinist but I’m definitely not, you’re going to be cleaning my boots for a month, Ren. _A month_!”

Ren rolled his eyes, he’s already been on boot duty for the last three months, ever since the fabric store trip. “Yes, sir,” Ren replied. He walked behind Hux to crowd him against the sink, kissing his neck again. “You seemed to have fun though,” Ren reminded him, trying to soften the severity of his own screw up.

“I did, until-” Hux tried to reply, before pausing. Ren could see Hux’s face going pale, well paler than usual, in the mirror. Ren was about to ask him what was wrong, before Hux spoke. “Out.”

“Hux-?”

“I said _out, Ren._ ” Hux barked, before covering his mouth and rushing to the toilet. Ren needed no other guidance before pulling the door open with the Force and leaving before he heard anything. Outside the door stood Mitaka, who seemed to be avoiding eye contact with Ren now. Neither said anything.

\---

“Okay so, apparently you have issues with Xanthan Gum.” Ren told Hux, who he was cradling close to his body while sitting on the sidewalk while waiting for the pilot to show up. “Apparently that’s common.”

“Nothing you’re going to say will make me feel better about this, Ren.” Hux growled weakly, accepting the water bottle that Ren bought for him from inside. “Do you have any idea how humiliating it is to get caught having sex in a public restroom by a subordinate, and then throw up your dinner?”

“I can imagine.” Ren replied. The pilot would be there soon, he was sure. “I mean, at least it wasn’t the other end-”

“Don’t even start,” Hux commanded, closing his eyes and leaning his head against Ren’s chest. 

It was quiet until Mitaka walked out of the restaurant, now wearing casual clothing and holding a box in his hands. “You two forgot your dessert.” Mitaka told them, sitting down next to them on the sidewalk.

“Thanks,” Ren replied, setting the box down next to them. Mitaka avoided any eye contact still (he probably would for a long time, but that wasn’t really a loss) and Hux seemed to have dozed off against him.

“So, um,” Mitaka started, fiddling his hands. “Since I quit, my ride can’t take me back. Could I get a ride from you two?”

Ren groaned. This was going to be a long trip home. Though, as Ren always felt after one of these adventures, it was totally worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> I tend to write this series based on personal experiences and I eat gluten free. The pizzeria featured is a real place but I changed the name to avoid getting any sort of negative attention for the location I wrote about lol
> 
> As always, thanks to [@Vmprsm](http://vmprsm.tumblr.com/) who is a great beta and friend!
> 
> Please submit all anon hate to [@tezzypants](http://tezzypants.tumblr.com/)


End file.
